Fans Wrestling Organization reAction Report By Ted Caldweller

- Hello and welcome. My name is Ted Caldweller, and I run E-Wrestling Torch. I'm proud to join the E-Wrestling Magazine family with this weekly column, which has the same goal as my Web site: to review as many e-wrestling events from as many fantasy wrestling federations as possible. Whether it's roleplay-, angle-, or even parody-based, all reviews will be done from the point of view of a "real" fan watching "real" wrestling. My goal is to review the big points, cool spots, and hand out star ratings for every match, and hopefully add in a little humor along the way. I started out reviewing shows for the Schmucksdotcom just before it folded in 2003 or so, and I also do some PR work for Brawlers On a Budget.

- Before we get to this week's review, make sure to check out my reviews of New Frontier Wrestling's "Crash 47", SHOWrestling's "eScape", as well as my two original Rants from 2003 (if you dare). Ah, those were the days. I was so drunk and heavily medicated that I was handing out eight stars for matches on a five-star scale and I thought X-Pac was talented! No, actually, I took my moniker as "The Sarcastic Frat Boy" a little too far. Well, as the old saying goes, if you can't do it, write about it.

- A quick note for anybody unfamiliar with the star rating system, here's a quick rundown on how my ratings work:

***** = Perfect match
****1/2 = Almost perfect
**** = Excellent
***1/2 = Extremely good, but with some important flaws
*** = Good, but lacking in many ways
**1/2 = Above average, but nothing special
** = An average match – most of the wrestling matches on TV will top out here due to time constraints
*1/2 = Below average, but watchable
* = Bad match, but enough action to make it worthwhile
1/2* = Terrible match
DUD = No value whatsoever
Negative (-)stars = Completely offensive to the viewer in every way

Remember, any form of match rating is always a matter of personal opinion. One person's match of the year is another person's snoozer. Now, with all that out of the way, let's start the review.

Fans Wrestling Organization reAction Report

April 8, 2009
From Seattle, Washington

- The first show after the highly-acclaimed Cyberslam begins with "Superstar" Vince Jacobs walking from the parking lot all the way to the ring. He's pissed about not winning the FWO World Heavyweight Championship, natch. SVJ refers to High Flyer as "Jack" because this is apparently super serious business. He lays down a challenge to High Flyer to defend the title, but instead Deacon makes his way out, all tall and pissed at Jacobs for taking him out of the Cyberslam main event. This leads to…

1 - Superstar Vince Jacobs vs. The Deacon

Jacobs' stomp attempt misses, allowing Deacon to drag Jacobs to the floor for a pounding. Jacobs eats the steel post and Deacon hunts for a chair. SVJ's prison break fails and he ends up absorbing a wicked chair shot, busting him open. The match becomes official as a ref hits the ring to make a two count. Corner clothesline by Deacon connects on a very bloody Jacobs. SVJ takes a pounding but avoids an onrushing Deacon in the opposite corner and he connects with a double underhook DDT. Jacobs unloads with punches and a choke before the referee pulls him off. Targeting the neck now, SVJ follows up a neckbreaker with a Shining Star guillotine leg drop. In a nice spot, Deacon reverses a whip, misses a giant boot, prevents a Superstar Kick, but then takes an enzuigiri for a long two count. SVJ locks in an illegal neck submission until the referee makes him drop it. Goozle by Deacon leads to a gorilla press slam for Jacobs. Jacobs is unable to fight off a giant powerbomb, which eventually gets a long two count. Deacon gets the better of a brawl and clotheslines Jacobs to the floor, but this gives Jacobs the chance to throw a mysterious white powder into Deacon's eyes, blinding him and also causing a lame DQ.

Post-match, Jacobs chair shots the fuck out of Deacon. For good measure, Jacobs hits Star Struck on the referee. Eventually, security comes into the ring. Don't know what they were waiting for, but OK. Post-post-match, Malik Roland runs in and stomps the chair into Deacon, then attempts to unleash the ring steps of doom, but Sean "Triple X" Stevens makes the save.

WINNER: Deacon via DQ. Decent action, but the focus was definitely on Jacobs, who looked awesome here. Looks like we might be in for a thrilling Roland/Deacon program. (*1/2)

- Meanwhile, House – oops, I mean High Flyer – is limping while texting backstage (and I assume loopy on the Vicodin), which inevitably leads to an accident with former FWO Cruiserweight Champion Michelle Masters, who runs into him with a brutal hug. Smell the love and awkwardness in the air. And apparently, iPhone is paying for some product placement here. The honeymoon ends quickly, as Flyer tells Michelle to woman up or walk away.

- After that last segment, I'm tempted to start an FWO drinking game. Every time an iPhone is mentioned, I down a shot. Of course, I'd probably be dead halfway through the show at this rate.

- Meanwhile, Mike Bear and the Flying Frenchie visit William Beaven, who is talking iPhone app (*shot*), for a friendly, confusing as fuck argument about jobbers, random people, and tag team names. This convo makes William angry. I'm sure there are about five inside jokes going on here. It'd sure be nice to let some casual viewers in on one of them.

- Meanwhile, Junious drops his latest record: "Cuz I'm black ya'll. Cuz I'm black ya'll. Cuz I'm black black blackity black. Cuz I'm black and I'm back. Cuz I'm FUCKIN' BLACK MAN!" Oh wait, I turned on "CB4." My bad. But that's the gist of this segment anyway. They're black. They're angry. Money, money segment? Nah, nah!

2 - Mary Lynn Mayweather vs. Jade Argent (Intergender Match)

Mayweather misses a springboard Asai moonsault early. Argent looks for the advantage, but instead takes a nice springboard missile dropkick for two. Mayweather follows up a backbreaker with a baseball slide dropkick to the back. ***1/2 Star Frogsplash connects and gets her a two count again. She continues to roll with a trio of arm drags. Argent's clothesline misses, but Mayweather's stiff kick does not. Argent is able to regroup by catching her and dropping her from a gorilla press position. Now Argent connects with a moonsault for one. She's able to drop Argent and apply a single-leg lock submission. He can't make the ropes for the break, but he's able to make a giant ball of spit between Mayweather's eyes. With Mayweather totally grossed out OMG, Argent hits a Butterfly Bomb (double chickenwing face-buster of sorts) for the three.

WINNER: Jade Argent via pinfall. Decent short match with a nice pace and a goofy ending sequence that undermines the previous action in the match. Seriously? Spit psychology? (*1/4)

- Meanwhile, Michelle Masters and her husband Robert Tanaka visit Ivy McGuiness. Ivy's a tad cranky that Michelle never showed up and the FWO couldn't crown a new cruiserweight champion. Is it that hard for a global company to make a new belt? Seriously? Ivy agrees to rehire Michelle, but Rob isn't reinstated due to being a cripple. Something about Michelle just annoys me.

- Meanwhile, it's time for more Ivy, who is joined by Mike Bear and Flying Frenchie. They want a tag team match, but it'll have to wait until the 22nd. Umm…thanks for wasting my time once again guys.

- Meanwhile, Mary-Lynn Mayweather is throwing shit in anger because of that evil saliva from hell. So, the Butterfly Bomb and the losing didn't piss her off, but the spit did? Umkay. Get a face-shield for fuck's sake. Team VIAGRA heads out toward the ring, but Jade Argent is in the hallway. That bastard! Tony Davis prevents Mayweather from attacking Argent for some reason, and they all head to the ring. Flyer lets the world know he won't be retiring due to his leg injury. He also wants to apologize to Deacon for everything he put him through since the FWO returned and offers him a title shot in a rather dull segment.

3 - The Codemaster vs. Ruben Ross

Codemaster goes right on the offense, unleashing chops. Ross fights back with some chops of his own. Ross gets whipped to the corner but comes back with a diving sunset flip for two. Codemaster tries for a backslide, but Ross reverses into a reverse suplex, then nails a Magnum Fang on Codemaster. Sitout tombstone. Pin.

WINNER: Ruben Ross via pinfall. Just a basic squash to reintroduce Ross to the FWO world. (1/2*)

- Meanwhile, Frenchie finds Ric Chronos to tell him he's putting the Underground back together. And also that he wants Ric to be his unborn baby's godfather. Awww. That's some Lov3l right there.

- Meanwhile, Michelle Masters runs into Alias during a smoking break. Alias get a hug and a lecture about the evils of smoking. Once she's gone, Alias spies Karina Wolfenden with an iPhone (*shot*). He wants to tag team with her and win some titles apparently. Or sleep with her. Or both. iPhone is mentioned once again (*shot*). They look up Affirmative Action (they're black y'all). If you've got some white friends, they'll be clapping like this, y'all. These segments tonight are really confusing. Either that, or I've had too many shots from this drinking game.

4 - Brawn vs. Malik Roland

Brawn goes down from a shoulder block, then takes an elbow from Roland for one. Brawn fights back with some European uppercuts, but then takes a mini-gore. Roland misses a knee and gets caught in the ropes, which allows Brawn to hit a neckbreaker. Roland fights back and press slams Brawn. A fling ends badly for Roland as he's rocked with a stiff clothesline for two. Both guys are blown up already. They trade shots before Roland hits a head butt. Brawn responds with a nut shot. Apparently head butts and nut shots are illegal in the FWO. I should start a band call Head Butts & Nut Shots, now that I think about it. Oh, and Brawn hits a Hammerhead Drop for the three.

WINNER: Brawn via pinfall. Dull, plodding snoozer. (1/2*)

- Meanwhile, MORE Frenchie. Oops, no, it's some other foreigner. Hans Wilhelm? Apparently they're Germans, and they don't trust Japs. Who does? I haven't caught the other guy's name yet. Bastian? Ric Chronos welcomes them to the FWO. They give him a gift basket in yet another odd segment.

- Meanwhile, two random dudes chat about something until Old Man Chronos tells them to get off his lawn!

- Meanwhile, Brawn packs. Please, take it all and never come back! But before he can leave, killjoy is sleepwalking through his lines and trying to be relevant by pointing out how irrelevant everybody else is. That scamp. Killjoy mentions a car accident, and calls Brawn Sam, thus using a Paul Heyman tactic from *drum roll* the 1990s! Congrats, killjoy! Brawn isn't afraid of Raven v.1,000,000.0 or his ginorminious thesaurus.

5 - Affirmative Action vs. Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)

Oh joy. Really? Two segments AND a match from Affirmative Action? Forget hot pokers, whoever booked this show needs a red-hot pitchfork up the ass. I honestly can't figure out the names of the AA guys. I think it's Omar Atkins and Craig Slaughter, but I really don't care as these guys have already annoyed the hell out of me for the evening. AA ambushes Vox Nihili before the bell, but Alias is able to nail somebody with a German suplex. I am so confused right now who everybody is. Everyone's referred to with letters and initials and real names and fake names that I can't keep it straight. Manager Roland Washington yells at Affirmative Action for sucking a suckload of suck, giving Karina the chance to hit a space flying tiger drop into everyone. Alias headbutts Big O, but doesn't get a DQ. I'm so confused. Now head butts AREN'T illegal? Alias gets a two count on someone after a T-bone suplex. Karina hits a double stomp on Omar's shoulderblades for two. Alias then hits a leaping knee, setting up an enzuigeri by Karina, then a forearm shot from Alias, and finally a double knee for two. In a bit, Alias takes a uranage slam. Slaughter with a leg drop, stalls, then hits a nice shooting star DDT for two. Alias then takes an Affirmative Edge for two. Omar hits a scoop slam and then locks on a bear hug and runs him into the corner. AA tries to set up Alias for a move, but Alias' elbows have other plans, and Slaughter misses. Alias avoids a superkick and hot tags in Karina, who nails a springboard 720 DDT. She takes care of June Bug and Roland Washington, then hits a Goodnight Moon (Asai knee drop) for two. Alias unloads on Omar on the ropes. Slaughter tries for a reverse huricanrana on Alias, but Alias holds on, so Karina springs up, and hits a reverse rana on Slaughter! That was awesome! And gets the three.

WINNERS: Vox Nihili via pinfall. Pretty good match with an awesome ending, but I honestly needed a scorecard to keep track of who everyone was with all the initials, nicknames, real names, and, pardon the pun, aliases. People were referred to by so many different names so frequently that I couldn't keep track of who was who at times early on. Not good for a team in their debut match. Eventually, I was able to get into the match and mostly figure out who everybody was, but the announcers need to help out a bit more. (**1/2)

- Meanwhile, Xan Scott is pissed at "Superstar" Vince Jacobs for not getting him a contract. He tells Scott to talk to Ivy if he wants a job, then kicks in the balls and beats the blood out of him.

- Meanwhile, "The Original" Jeff Garvin heads out to the ring. He's sick and tired of working with assholes from his past. Sick and fucking tired. He runs down the recently departed and temporarily un-retired prick Joey Malone. Damn, Jeff's pissed! Good stuff, though. Best segment of the night thus far easily. He hates wrestling for the FWO. He then turns his venom toward Keith Scott Zimmerman, telling him to "suck his average-sized cock, you cruiserweight piece of shit. I’d fight you in the parking lot any day of the fucking week, but I wouldn’t want child protective services to come by and take you away. Or would I?" Villainous chin-stroking! He says Cyberslam sucked, aside from Flair-Stevens. I'll have to watch it to see if he's right. Crowd thinks Garvin's an asshole. He then shits on High Flyer for being a jobber in New Frontier Wrestling while being the top champ in the FWO. Yikes. He's sick of being in nothing feuds and shitty jobber matches. “Fuck you, FWO! Goodnight!” He flips off the crowd and leaves. Absolutely scathing promo. Not sure where Garvin goes from here, but he should be on the receiving end of (in-character) punishment from FWO management for that.

- Meanwhile, those whacky Germans Bastian and Hans are admiring a Cyberslam poster featuring Sean Stevens. Mufanga Kagos is not amused. Why? Again, I don't know because I'm jumping in cold.

6 - Fairview Reed vs. Xin Xin Xiong

Reed is accompanied by an unnamed assistant; Xiong by green mist~! Xiong goes on the offense early with punches. Busaiku kneekick connects for the pin.

WINNER: Xin Xin Xiong. Nothing match.

- Your Internet Champion Keith Scott Zimmerman then joins us in the ring. He runs down Mike Bear, Dusk, and High Flyer, shows off his scars, and calls himself the Only Wrestler That Matters. Malik Roland is out once again to NOT tell anyone why he attacked Deacon earlier for some heel heat. KSZ wants to know why Roland is out here now. Roland wants the Internet Title. So, losing to Brawn in a snoozefest makes him a contender? Roland shoves Zimmerman and gets to steppin'.

- More Keith Scott Zimmerman as Flying Frenchie catches up with him in the garage and mentions Garvin's earlier rant. KSZ: "Jeff…well, he’s Jeff. Which is short hand for Jeff’s a raging asshole." Zimmerman is crushed to find out the Frenchie is cheating on him with Mike Bear.

7 - Krow vs. Steven Shadows (Hardcore Championship)

During Krow's entrance, Shadows nails him with the title belt. Ringside, Shadows hits Krow with a big boot then throws the steps at him, but Krow avoids and charges with a running kick and then a running elbow. In the ring, both men trade elbows and European uppercuts. After a high knee, Shadows falls out to the floor. Suicide elbow by Krow. Shadows gets whipped into the guardrail, then eats a running Yakuza kick. Krow pulls up the ringside mats, but turns around into a flying chair. Quickly, Shadows follows that up with a sick chair shot. Krow then takes a hair beal into the steel steps. Krow avoids a steel step sandwich, so Shadows hurls the steps at him, but Krow pulls a cameraman in front. And he's your face! Krow charges for a Yakuza kick, followed by a DDT on the concrete. Back toward the ring, Shadows gets his head sandwiched by Krow's foot and the steel post for two. Krow locks in a sleeper, but Shadows fights out and nails a superkick. Main event spinebuster by Shadows gets a two. Table time. Krow catches Shadows coming back in, but then eats a slingshot lariat for two.

Crossface chickenwing by Shadows, but Krow breaks it up by ramming him to the corner three times. Krow gets German suplexed into the corner. Holy shit. Shadows goes right to work, stomping on and choking Krow. They fight on the apron before Shadows hits a death valley driver through the table on the floor. Shadows eventually gets a two on the floor. Cool flipping suicide plancha by Shadows takes out Krow. Back inside, Shadows drags up Krow for a pair of short-arm clotheslines before Krow is able to hit The Prelude (release German suplex). Fans think this is awesome. Both stay down for a nine-count before trading headbutts that result in a swelled eye for Shadows and a bloody nose for Krow. Both avoid signature moves, but Shadows hits a brainbuster variant. Lifting reverse DDT by Shadows connects for two. Shadows then heads up top, but crashes into a chair as Krow moves. Krow then delivers a sliding elbow, followed by a brainbuster for a long two count. Shadows fights out of a Near Death Experience (backdrop driver), then blasts Krow with a spinning back fist. Krow finds an opening and hits a Near Death Experience. Shadows no-sells, leading to another Near Death Experience by Krow. He gets a two, but the time-limit expires right at the three-count. Crowd chants "bullshit."

RESULT: Time limit draw; Shadows retains the Hardcore Championship. Super-intense match, smartly booked and well executed. If this outcome means more Krow/Shadows, I'm all for it. (***3/4)

Final thoughts: The show started good, then was hit-and-miss until the good main event. Jacobs, Garvin, Zimmerman and the main event definitely shined this week. The bookers should start looking at character motivations a bit more as logic and storytelling was definitely lacking a bit this week in several of the segments.